Pineapples in Bloom
by Hexerein
Summary: Renji would never see it coming. Not as a sick little punishment, anyway.


Pineapples in Bloom

By: Twilight's Blade

**Summary: **Of all the goddamn things in the world, Renji can't understand why he had to be allergic to this.**  
**

A/N: Heh. Couldn't help it. This just seemed to be such a _hilarious_ idea. :D Enjoy!

If there was one thing Renji was ever certain of in his whole life, it was that at that very moment, he had officially lost his mind. In a metaphoric field of pineapples in bloom, he was going to explode unless one of two things happened: 1) he escaped with his pride and last bits of sanity clinging on to him for dear life or 2) he gave in to his detrimental urges and devoured every plate of food within his grasp. But dare he face those rather painful consequences?

He decided that he would hide in a tiny corner of the room and make himself as inconspicuous as possible. Yes, yes, he needed to take his mind off of the current situation…maybe even think of how the hell he got himself stuck in this position in the first place.

Had it started with that rather desperate day—though it could be argued that _every _day was desperate in the 78th district of the Rukongai—when he managed to steal an entire cart of fruit for he, Rukia, and the rest of their friends? Maybe. Maybe if some other kid had taken that weird spiked _thing_ Rukia called a 'pineapple', he wouldn't be rocking back and forth right now with his knees tucked into his chest. Maybe if he hadn't been so indescribably _hungry_, he wouldn't have bit straight into that juicy, sweet—

Oh, _kami_, this wasn't helping.

Renji didn't like to think of the consequences he suffered, either. Not of how he had to be saved from convulsions…all the peeling and…pus. Renji shuddered, thankful that no one had yet noticed him in his corner.

Maybe it started on that day in the eleventh when Yumichika was oddly prancing about with a basket of the fruit. Of course, given that it _was_ Yumichika, Renji wasn't exactly sure 'odd' was the best word. Nevertheless, Zaraki had pleasantly demanded him 'to get the hell outta his office with all his fruity sissy shit before he went and snapped his neck'. But as Renji watched the crestfallen man exit, he couldn't help his eyes as they transfixed onto the basket's contents.

Pineapples. A gigantic hoard of pineapples of all shapes, sizes, and spikiness, cut into pieces, stored in bags, and whole, swinging innocently in that basket as if taunting him like candy for a five year old. He virtually stalked Yumichika until he left before nearly begging him for one. But when Yumichika replied with a confused look and then a quite dignified 'no', Renji lost it. Hmm, punching him in the face and snatching the basket would amount to some level of insanity, wouldn't it?

So it happened. There Renji sat, on a small abandoned training ground, gulping down every sliced piece of pineapple in his possession. And when those finished, managing to break the whole ones in half to scrape out every last bit his fingers could get to, eyes fluttering as the sweet nectar trickled down his throat.

What he hadn't planned on was passing out and waking up in the fourth division's infirmary. Not to mention the subsequent waves of pain driving him ever further to the level of maniac. What a surprise it had been to wake up in silk sheeted bed in a lightly air conditioned room, only to realize that his limps were in rope restraints, his eyes burned with a flare more powerful than the sun's, that nearly every millimeter of his body was consumed by some pus-like, dreadfully itchy rash, with tear inducing aches in almost every muscle, while the world around chose when it wanted to spin and remain stationary, and that all the while his body sporadically lurched up, only to be brought down harshly by the limbs tied to the bed frame. All of this because he decided to eat pineapples.

Could that really be considered fair?

Apparently, Ikkaku had brought him here, muttering something about finding him clustered with a bunch of sticky plastic bags and pineapple shells. Renji would have panicked over the possibility that his secret was leaked, but being as he barely had enough energy to breathe, he only stared. Unohana moved onto the painful subject of what exactly she found was wrong with him.

Mainly, stay away from pineapples. Renji inwardly sighed. He knew that was coming. But here was why: he was disastrously allergic to them, and if any more of it got into his system, the reaction could mean…When her voice trailed off, Renji bit back another urge to cry as the itching pecked at him again before he took in her words knowingly.

The reaction could mean death.

He wasn't quite sure how to feel about that, being as pineapples were the one he was completely addicted to. Of course, he knew from the day he tried them that he had to stay away, and had tried for years to curb that addiction. Now, all of his mental agony resisting them had proved useless, replaced by physical torture and that ever present appetitive desire in the crevices of his mind. But still, Unohana continued. With every pineapple he consumed, his chances for death increased and…Yet again her voice trailed off. He fidgeted in a desperate attempt to scratch his back, but wondered: And? What were the statistics? Even in his head, he shouldn't have asked. She finally responded with a three percent chance of survival if he were to eat another one, or so she calculated.

Oh _shit_.

Renji's body chose that moment to create an intense feeling of dizziness. Three percent? _Three fucking percent?_ If his throat hadn't so dry, he might have moaned with frustration. No more mouth watering, thirst quenching, sweet tooth relaxing pineapples. That was it. That was the end of his goddamn sanity. Drawing strength from an unknown source, he tugged ferociously at the rope restraints, almost biting through his tongue at the pain every movement provoked.

Unohana yelped at him to stop and Renji froze, having never heard the woman raise her voice higher than a cricket's chirp. Blinking in surprise—and in a desperate attempt to hold back an onslaught of tears- Renji relaxed, hearing out the woman's explanation of all the anti-itch and pain medication he'd been treated with, and all the_ kidou_ therapy he'd gone through in the past two hours, and that if he didn't remain as still as possible he wouldn't get better.

It had been an entire month before Renji was able to go back to the eleventh, only to endure the mockery of every shinigami in his division. Zaraki, for the first time, had been entirely speechless, gracing Renji only with hearty laughs upon appearance. Ten years after that experience, and he still couldn't buffer the images or the pain from his memory.

So again, he asked himself: why the hell was he sitting in the middle of a party when almost every edible thing in his grasp had a touch of death added to it? Banana pineapple muffins, pineapple jelly chews, pineapple upside down cake, and heaven knew what else. Damn Shunsui and his Hawaiian-themed sake party. How the hell was he supposed to know that this was what it meant? He groaned, deciding to get up for a breath of fresh air, only to wobble and collapse into a wall. Well, almost, if Ikkaku hadn't been close enough—and sober enough—to catch him.

"Someone's had too much to drink," he heard him mutter. Renji responded with an annoyed glare and small shove.

"I haven't even had a glass," he regretfully replied, not daring to study the incredulous look in his eyes. Sure, he pondered over whether he could get drunk enough to forget the damn fruit, but there was always the chance that in that state, he'd want it more and well, he just wasn't in the mood for dying.

"I think you should take mine," was what Ikkaku said, but didn't bother to raise his glass to accompany the offer. "It looks like you need it more than I do."

Renji snickered and ignored him, making his way towards the door. No one else was watching him besides Ikkaku. Maybe he could slip out. And if attention was attracted to him, he could simply make a break for it. Yes, that what he would do. He had to escape, starved or not, from that pineapple minefield before—

"Reeenjiii…" called a shaky voice merely inches from his ear. Against his will, the red headed man froze, barely turning to the owner of the voice. "Reeenjiii, si' down, haff sumpthin ta drink…" It was Matsumoto, slurring her words together and beginning to fall over him. Ikkaku only stared as she pulled Renji down in one swift movement. In an instant, he was pinned to the ground by the buxom woman, straddling him and sheepishly opening a bottle of sake. Had it been anyone else on top of him, Renji would have glared daggers at Ikkaku for laughing and refusing to help him before he left. But as it was, all he could do was blush madly, his face a deep crimson. Drunk and a bit relaxed, Matsumoto jammed the sake bottle in his mouth, snapping him out of a slew of perverted thoughts.

"Drin' up!" she exclaimed, and all he could do was choke and swallow. "Iz spescha pine'ple flavored sake." If Renji was choking before, he was gagging now, arms flailing in a wild attempt to throw Matsumoto off of him. It worked, but not before he gulped down half of the liter sized bottle. Renji stood up hastily, backing himself against a wall and watching Matsumoto intently, who looked around dizzily as if still trying to figure out what happened. Without a second thought, he dashed to the door, two rooms away, only to stop abruptly a few feet from the exit. His eyes lay transfixed on a tray of piña coladas yet to be served. He blinked, taking a step closer.

_What am I doing? If I drink that stuff… I gotta get outta here! _But Renji's body felt no inclination to move away. He took another step closer, and this time, he could feel his mouth watering. _Damnit! Get a hold of yourself! You went longer than ten years without that stuff before, so you can do it again! Just turn around, walk out that door, and run to the fourth division to get some treatment before the side effects come on…_Snapping his eyes shut, he took a deep breath and turned towards the door. _Right then. I can do this._

"Oi, where are you off to?" _Damnit, Ikkaku! Don't you realize this is an emergency situation?_

"Just, uh, for some fresh air, you know." _Right, like that sounds believable. Just don't say anything to angrily provoke him…_

"Are you sick or somethin'? You haven' t had anything to drink—or eat." _Obviously. Why are _you_ worried?_

"No, I'm fine." _I can't do this. If I stay here any longer—_

"Ya sure?" _Fucking hell, Ikkaku!_

"Uhh, yeah." He shrugged, drinking down the rest of whatever was in his glass before disappearing. After a few minutes of silent panicking, Renji slid to the floor, glancing longingly at the tray of piña coladas. But once again, his body refused to cooperate, and instead, before he had a second to think about what he was doing, he rose up and gulped down seven of the drinks before catching his breath. His chest heaved violently and his glass shattered on the floor. Nothing new, of course; it was a familiar sound at sake parties. But the sound alerted Renji, as if waking him up from a nightmare. And what a terrible nightmare it was. He backed away horrified, hands clamped over his mouth. Now what? What was he going to do with himself? What if he—

Yet Renji's tongue seized control over his rationale, and he raced back into the living room, where the others were gathered. Though most of them were completely intoxicated, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, Shuuhei, Shunsui, and Kira all stared wildly at him as Renji transformed himself into a shinigami pineapple vacuum. But all the sixth division vice captain could think about were those pineapples and the luscious sweetness that dribbled down his chin with every bite.

Somewhere outside the premises, Yoruichi laughed heartily, moving away from her spot at the window. "I can't believe it actually worked! The idiot really did it!"

Byakuya slowly folded his arms. "Well?"

Yoruichi snickered. "It's just like you said. Renji gave in. He's eating everything in his sight!" The idea provoked yet another round of laughter, and even Byakuya allowed himself a sly, devious grin in the cover of the late evening darkness.

"Thank god I added the medicine to everything beforehand, huh? At least he won't die on us." He replied with a slight nod. He would definitely have to repay Kisuke for this priceless information. No one kissed his sister without his consent. _No one._

Revenge truly was _sweet__._

**End**

A/N: *smirks widly* I love messing with Renji. It's just too fun, really. :D

Until Next Time,

~Twi


End file.
